There are some songs that you meet and know instantly they will haunt you for years.
My high school music teacher gave me this one to sing for my exams and I’ve never been able to shake it.
Now I’m where I want to be
And who I want to be
And doing what I always said I would
And yet I feel I haven’t won at all
Been there. Done that. Cannot recommend it.
Yesterday I finally manage to dig down through all the layers and find out precisely when it was that my life veered off course and I stopped feeling like myself. The good news was it happened later than I thought. The bad news is it was still almost half a lifetime ago. Looking back across all those years, what happened in between and what might otherwise have been is something I now find extremely painful.
Because, well … what if?
What if I had reacted differently, looked at things another way? What would have happened, how would life have been? Where would life have been and who would it have been with?
Almost all my dreams came true at once. They all turned out to be like the siren’s song – alluring from a distance but utterly frightful up close. Instead of dreaming new dreams, I left myself behind in the dark and ran like hell in the opposite direction.
That’s why I haven’t been able to commit myself to writing.
Because it’s my most cherished dream. It has been ever since my age hit double digits. And I couldn’t bear for it to be another siren’s song.
I’ve been afraid, not of failing, but of succeeding. Of succeeding, fleeing, ending up in another life I did not want and seeing yet another dream die.
I’ve convinced myself I wanted a million other things because I was scared to commit to the one thing I wanted most. That’s why I get bored so easily, why I am always looking for something else, something new.
The question is – now that I know – what happens next?