Beware the Ides of March, Sister

I had a sister once, Janne. Or someone I called my sister. She was my mother’s best friend, younger than her and older than me. Like the big sister I never wanted but somehow got anyway. She died very suddenly three years ago, but today would have been her birthday. On this day, I used to remember reading Shakespeare for the first time in ninth grade with my favourite English teacher, Miss O’Driscoll.

Beware the ides of March.

Now I think of what I would do differently.

When Janne died, we hadn’t really spoken for six months. I was crushed after my uncle died, but she never once called me to ask how I was or to offer sympathy. Even when she knew perfectly well how close he and I were, how much he meant to me. I took offence and never called her, and the only time she called me I was in the middle of a date and brushed her off. I regret that now.

I always thought we would find the time to talk again. I always planned to forgive and move on. One day.

I never knew that she was sick. I never knew all the tragedy she carried with her from her childhood. I never realised, because she was also so cheerful and upbeat, just how desperately unhappy she was.

Sometimes we don’t get another chance. Sometimes that tomorrow never comes. In the blink of an eyelid the moment, and someone we loved, can be gone.

So say what you haven’t said. Let go of that grudge. Call the friend you miss but haven’t spoken to since they did something to make you angry. Be there for the one who needs you.

In the week after she died, I cried in my car every morning on the way to work. I listened to the same song over and over again. I still have all the notes, all the things I would have said. I wanted to turn them into a story, but I found that only anger came out.

Maybe one day that will change.

5 thoughts on “Beware the Ides of March, Sister

  1. I am so so sorry about this!! Your story really made me sad. I can’t even imagine the regret you must feel.

    Makes me think of one of my ex-bfs. Slightly different story to yours, but I do want to forgive her and get over ‘my grudge’. I think I’m slowly getting there… though I will never talk to her again. So last year I went to her 30th birthday party (of which she charged everyone to attend even though it was at her parents place – not joking, this happened). Shortly after, I sent her an invite to my own 30th birthday 5 months down the line. A few days before my big party (it was a really big deal to me) she cancelled saying she ‘couldn’t afford to go’ even though I gave her FIVE MONTHS WARNING and it would have cost her $100 max to come. To make matters worse, the weekend before she’d travelled interstate to go to another friends 30th birthday party and it would have cost her at least $200-300 to attend due to flights. But it’s not about the money. It’s about the fact that someone I loved as a friend didn’t bother showing up to a party that meant a lot to me. She also got engaged on 1st January this year and didn’t even tell me.

    Anyway… I have so many other awesome friends that I don’t even know why I bothered keeping in contact with her. I haven’t messaged or talked to her since September last year when she didn’t come to my party. I’m still surprised at how furious I am hahahaha. I never told her how disappointed I was in her as a friend and that I never wanted to speak to her again, perhaps I should have lol.

    Secretly, I really hope I can be a famous author one day to shove it in her face haha (she’s obsessed with her ‘image’ and ‘fame’ etc…)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you.
      Your former bf sounds like one I had once. It took me a long time to stop being mad at her, but sometimes you just have to let toxic people go. Once friendships get so one-sided that everything always comes from me I don’t bother anymore.
      If she didn’t even tell you she got engaged then she’s obviously not your friend. I hope you do become a famous author and shove it in her face 😉


  2. I can totally understand your feelings. My mum died about 18 months ago and so few people thought to ask how i was feeling. Especially other family members which has been really hard to deal with. Grief is a difficult thing and i think people often think we just need to be left alone but some of us are just crying out for someone to show us some empathy and let us cry it out. Dont be too hard on yourself, we all wish wed done things differently at times.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Very true.
      I think a lot of people don’t know how to deal with someone in mourning. Do you ask or keep silent, what do they want?
      Very sorry to hear about your mother, that must have been so hard.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s