Our greatest days are the ones when we feel like we have wings. When the fuel of our passions ignites our world and we need neither food nor rest because we’re running on pure joy. Do you know those days?
Those days are my favourites. I get up even earlier than usual, stay up late and have no sense of space or time. I’m utterly in the moment and I know exactly where I am going. If every day were like that I’d have to look down to see Cloud Nine.
Those days are more and more frequent now, but there were many years when a day like that was nothing but a dream, a wisp of something remembered and lost.
What Went Wrong?
I remember the day my passion slipped away. I remember the wind whipping my hair as I stared out across the grey sea of the English Channel. I had lost my first love and it felt like nothing would ever be the same again.
I got over it, and I fell in love again. We usually do. But it still felt like I had left something fundamental about myself behind in that grey sea. I would try and be the person I had been before, try again to ignite that passion, but it always felt forced. I could write, but I didn’t feel like me.
That feeling lasted 23 years.
Is it passion?
There’s a difference between losing your passion and never having had it. There’s a difference between the person who lives and breathes for something and the one who just thinks it’s ‘cool.’ I knew what my passion was and sometimes I could have screamed at the thought that it was lost to me.
Since I couldn’t see how I could get it back, I tried to convince myself I didn’t feel the way I did. I told myself it was just a silly schoolgirl dream, the kind that needs to be put aside when there are bills to pay and other mouths to feed. I told myself I was probably complete rubbish anyway so what was the point. No one would ever want to read anything I had to say.
I told myself all that and more … but still I wanted it.
I just wanted to be a writer, but I couldn’t write.
What I needed to find was the sense of being a writer. To do that, I had to tap into the emotions I had known when I felt most like myself. Something had triggered those feelings and I needed to find out what it was.
For me, it happened like lightening. But I know now it could have been a process. That’s what I’m going to share.
Come back tomorrow for more!